Chapter Two: Getting To Wherever the Hell You're Going
Now that you've been introduced to the many exciting demonic creatures who inhabit the roads of the world, it's time to cover the actual process of getting from point A to point B. To temporarily stall the process of humanity's inevitable devolution into a bunch of violent apes in sports cars, the world's governments have decided to scatter street signs along the roads and highways. These small, tarnished, metal signs are the only safeguard which keeps our society from literally falling apart. Of course, nobody really pays any attention to or obeys these street signs, so it's a real testament to human nature that we haven't already nuked our planet into a series of kidney-sized chunks.
The Signs of Safety: The Stop Sign
The most common street sign you will ever encounter is the stop sign. Although the more ignorant and gullible members of society may interpret this sign as meaning "stop", the more savvy drivers of the world know otherwise. The stop sign isn't really a concrete rule, as it is more of a helpful suggestion like, "if you have nothing better to do and you're not in a hurry, you may want to consider stopping or at least slowing down to under 100 miles an hour." Many people don't understand why there are so many stop signs throughout the globe, but this is because they simply can't see the "big picture". All governments are in cahoots with the major oil companies, choosing to place stop signs every six feet along residential and city streets. The abundance of these signs results in increased gasoline usage, therefore making the oil industry ungodly amounts of money. I've been told by some of my friends who live deep in the woods that the UN and Area 51 is somehow involved, but I'm fairly sure that UFOs don't use gasoline. I think they're powered by coal.
Although the basic shape and design of stop signs are the same, small details may vary from place to place. Here are a few examples of signs from around the world.
Alabama
Russia
East St. Loius (currently missing)
California
To show the world you're a real intelligent guy who's "in the know", you should ONLY come to a halt at the stop sign if one of the following requirements are met:
There is a car traveling across the street at an intersecting angle.
A crippled woman, retarded child, or nun is crossing the street in front of you (in which case you should start honking your horn and make colorful, animated gestures if they haven't passed by in two seconds). If it's a crippled, retarded nun, you should give her an extra four seconds before flooring it.
The transmission just fell out of your car and your vehicle won't move.
In any other case, you should either slow down to below Mach 4 or at least look to the left and right for any incoming cement trucks. It is perfectly acceptable to run through a stop sign if you fall into any of these criteria:
You're in a hurry.
You were in a hurry.
You will hypothetically be in a hurry sometime in the near future.
Due to temporary insanity, you have forgotten where the brakes are.
You are afraid there's a bomb in your vehicle which will cause it to detonate if it comes to a complete halt.
The voices in your head command you to constantly travel at 87 miles an hour or the Dark Lord Lucifer will become displeased and cause the crops in Iowa to whither and decay.
You think a crazed policeman with a waling siren and flashing lights is stalking you and you're simply trying to escape. I mean, he could be the guy from "Psycho Cop Returns"!
Your car is one of those "newer Japanese models" that don't decelerate.
There's a bug on the acceleration pedal you're trying to squish.
You're pregnant (works only for women and fat feminine men).
There is a kickin' Men Without Hats song on the radio and you can't help but "rock out".
You're about to miss "Silk Stockings" on the USA Network.
All of those excuses are perfectly legit things to say when attempting to talk yourself out of a speeding / traffic ticket, so feel free to use them when pulled over. If that doesn't work, attempt to bribe the officer with some of the loose change in your glove compartment. If that fails as well, try to take his gun and sell it back to him.
The Signs of Safety: Various Other Unimportant Signs
Littering our roads like, uh, a whole bunch of litter, are an assortment of various other stupid signs which mean little to nothing. The only reason these signs have been erected is to give the National Department of ****ing Up Traffic something to do besides spewing thousands of plastic orange cones onto every road they pass. I think they also have something to do with those pesky unmarked black helicopters which buzz by my apartment at night, trying to steal my thoughts. Anyway, here's a brief overview of all those "other signs" you will encounter on the road:
Traffic Lights:
Green light: Go.
Yellow light: Go really fast because it's about to turn red.
Red light: Go really really fast because it either just turned red or it's about to turn green.
Yield Sign:
No functional purpose. Solely for decoration.
Speed Limit Signs:
You may safely go up to 60 miles an hour.
You may safely go up to 100 miles and hour.
Speed limit is somwhere around the speed of light.
Indication you're probably going the wrong way:
You might want to turn around at this point.
Sign you've clearly gone the wrong way:
Just give up and take the goddamn bus.
General Rules of Traveling:
Good drivers never stop. Stopping is considered a sign of weakness and will allow the larger, more aggressive cars to gang up and bully you around. Your car should always be in motion. If, in some bizarre situation you cannot physically move forward at all, you should shift into reverse and slowly go backwards until there's enough room for you to inch forward again. If you cannot move backwards, you should flee from your vehicle and carjack somebody else in the other lane.
Tailing people makes them go faster. If the dimwitted, idiotic waste of skin in front of you doesn't feel the pressing need to floor their accelerator in a school zone, it is your God-given right to get as close as humanly possible to their rear bumper. This will set off their car's "Go Faster Detector" and cause them to increase their speed by at least 30 miles an hour. If you want their Go Faster Detector to work even quicker, throw your arms in their air and say, "for God's sake, move it!"
The horn is the most essential part of your vehicle. It lets everybody around you know that you do, in fact, have a functioning car horn which can sporadically emit loud, piercing noises. The horn should be used in the following cases:
You want somebody to speed up.
You want somebody to slow down.
You're angry.
You're happy.
You're alive.
You weren't sure if your horn was working.
The sky is blue (or any other color).
Learn how to predict other cars' actions. Most vehicles that aren't owned by rednecks have a few lights called "turn signals." They are used to indicate which direction the vehicle may or may not be going in the immediate future. Here's how to decipher their signals:
Vehicle's left turn signal is on: vehicle will never, ever, ever make a left. It will either immediately lurch into the right lane or it may keep going straight, but under no circumstances will it ever go left.
Vehicle's right turn signal is on: driver accidentally hit the right turn signal and has no intentions of going to the right.
No turn signal is on: car is going to swerve either to the right or left.
Talking on your cellphone is strongly encouraged. You look "cool" if you're chatting away on your phone while changing radio stations, eating a sandwich, and playing a particularly heated game of Solitaire on your Palm Pilot. This makes you look like a veteran, experienced driver who just came back from competing in the Indy 500 or flying secret experimental government spaceships. People will remember you as being the ultimate commuter when they read about your charred, decapitated corpse in the next day's newspaper.
People will understand if you're in a hurry. If you really need to get somewhere fast, it is perfectly acceptable to make a right hand turn from the left lane, drive through 50 consecutive stop signs, and cut off the busload of orphans who are on their way to church. Your Sphere of Awareness should be inversely proportional to the speed you're going; the faster you go, the less you should care about the people around you. Flashing your bright lights on and off repeatedly is the universal sign that you're in a hurry. It also means you're a real *******.
The more foam and stuffed objects a driver has lined up on their rear dashboard, the older they are. If you pass a vehicle with a stuffed animal on the back of it, it is probably being driven by a middle-aged mother. If you see a car with a couple Beanie Babies and a foam hat which reads "OKLAHOMA" across it, chances are the driver is recently retired. If there's over 50 stuffed Garfield dolls and miscellaneous golf hats in the car, you should probably call the Police because the people inhabiting the vehicle have been dead for at least 10 years.
If you get in a car accident and your door is critically damaged, don't be afraid to replace it with a different colored door from another vehicle. This shows the rest of the world that you are a rebel and are denouncing their fascist, materialistic values. If you are rear-ended, feel free to tie the trunk to your bumper with some rope you found wrapped around a bale of hay. If your windows are damaged or smashed in, replace them with garbage bags or lots of Saran Wrap. In the unfortunate chance your tire blows out, replace it with a spare and use it until it blows out. Then abandon the car alongside the highway.
Tinting your own windows not only saves money but it looks real cool as well. Nothing says "class" quite like a vehicle which has countless bubbles and tears all over the windshield. It's like driving around in a lava lamp! Far out, brother!
Even though it's not mandatory in every state, you should always buy auto insurance for your car. Once you agree to pay the $5000 a month, your insurance company will give you a piece of paper with their name written across it and a secret code. The company will advise you to carry this card with you wherever you go: to the store, vacations, funerals, your own bathroom, Mars, etc. More than likely, you will leave it in the envelope in your kitchen's drawer. Try not to get into a car accident unless you're driving around in your kitchen.
Guide To Driving -
12-03-03, 09:49 PM
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